Just Sharing my Feelings

palliative

adj : moderating pain or sorrow by making it easier to bear [syn: alleviative, alleviatory, lenitive, mitigative, mitigatory] n : remedy that alleviates pain without curing [syn: alleviant, alleviator]

pal·li·a·tive (pl-tv, ---tv)
adj.

Relieving or soothing the symptoms of a disease or disorder without effecting a cure.

They make the word sound so comforting and peaceful.

Unfortunately, I feel far from peaceful.

Today, I look for no sympathy, there is no depression involved when you look back on the life of a 90 year old strong, loving woman. But I cannot help but feel the sadness with the word palliative. With the phone call from my dad telling me that should tell me something. My grama has asked someone be with her 24-7 from here on out. No one would say no to that. So my mom is there with her, and I'm making my way as soon as I can. What's running through my mind right now is the memory of arriving in Winnipeg 2 days too late to say goodbye to my mom's mom. I had a hard time ever accepting that I was unable to say goodbye to her, so I refuse to make such a mistake ever again...

I have so many friends who loved her nearly as much as I did. She's a wonderful and outspoken woman who touched everyone she met. SO many people have said to me, "well, she led a full life, there's nothing to be sad about 90 years with a majority of happiness... "

But for right now, I'll sit quietly, reflect on her life and her love for me, and I think I'll be a little sad. I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to it. Because I'm really gonna miss her when she's gone.

For the Sweetest Woman I Know

Tonight I cried
I cried so hard I screamed
I cried so hard I couldn't breathe
I cried so long the shower went cold
I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore
And then, I cried some more.

I cried for happier times, I cried for sad times
I cried for all the times I didn't know how to feel
I cried for the times you didn't shed the tears that may have helped the pain.

I cried for every happy memory I have with you
I cried for every sad time you were strong for me
I cried for all the times you stood strong for so many others
I cried for all the times you were hurting and I cried for all the times you never gave up
I cried for every time you brightened other's lives
I cried for all the laughter we've shared
I cried in memory of all the stories we share together

I cried for all your strengths, and I cried for your weaknesses
I cried to help take away all your fears
I cried for 90 years of an amazing life that touched so many
I cried for the love I have for you and cried for your love for me
I cried because your life is so beautiful to me that you can make me feel so much.

And then I closed my eyes to remember some more...
And I told you again, I Love You, and you smiled.

Who Are You?

Welcome to the World Wide Web. Where everyone is anyone and all of us are whoever we want to be.

Ever wonder what the actual percentage is of people on the internet who are really telling the truth? Who are really who they say they are?

When posed this question in a public forum, some said they are nothing different in person than they are online. Others said, very straightforwardly, that the internet allows them to be or say whatever they want, and gives them the freedom to "bullshit away". They can assume any identity, claim any career or wage bracket, hell, they can even be 20 if they're 50 and female when they're male. Hiding behind their keyboard and imagination, they can tell any story as if it was their own and no one could ever know.

Now, perhaps this is where I differ... In more than one way.

Many of the friends, (actually, more than half even) that I converse with online, I have met or have an offline friendship with. Chances are good they would know if I was full of shit. On my profile in a major networking (and even matchmaking, thought I'd leave it up anyway...) website, as well as Messenger, my picture is me. Not airbrushed, not enhanced, and not from 6 years ago... Just me. For all the people I speak to that I have not met, I am myself. Biggest reason, I believe our integrity as a person should carry throughout any portion of our lives. If I claim to be an honest person, and then tell someone I assume I'll never meet that I have supermodel measurements, I've really only lied to myself.

Is the internet such a delusion of our existence that we believe it as another world in which we can dwell?

You wanna build a bomb?? Look it up.
You need a... (insert expendable, material device here...)?? Get it off E-Bay.
You wanna fall in love?? Find it on one of the million dating sites... Slideshow style.
You need to get laid?? Do it virtually... Anywhere. Anytime.

Where did people go so wrong in believing everything they're told? 'Oh, I heard it on the news, it HAS to be true.' 'I read it in a magazine, it's a fact.' 'I met him on the internet... We chatted everyday for 6 months. I can't wait to meet him next week, he's my dream man...'

There are numerous websites, news articles, Dateline specials, you name it, focusing on children and the information they are providing online for the whole world to see. They refuse to believe in pedophiles, predators, and people who have serious mental issues... Even sadder, there are people over the age of consent who are just as naive as these children. Believing in everything these "charming" individuals will tell them. Where exactly did society go wrong? Do we need a sign to hang around our necks stating our IQ? "Please don't pick on me, I'm not all that smart, I'm young and need guidance..." Great, now they have a target. My sign? "Fuck off, I'm a cynic, I don't like sexual freaks or liars, I'm not stupid and you can't lure me into your fucked up alternate reality."

I guess my ideal, fantasy world would be of people who could be honest. Or my ideal superpower would be to hear people's thoughts... Then I'd know those who are liars and keep them from my life.