The Next Excursion

So, where shall I begin?

Perhaps the most intriguing thing about having a Blog is the fact that you can ramble and babble on about anything pertaining to your life and only those who have been privy to the address of such incriminating entries will acquire such knowledge. Oh yes, I am not so naive to believe no one else reads this, however, those who may, only know me as a random cyber eminence. Aside from one person who presently seems to find my disoriented rants somewhat alluring, and a few close friends who for some reason find my random drivel enthralling, the rest of my readers (if any) know nothing of my outside life. Hell, lately it seems however, that even I know nothing of such life... So inevitably, this appears to be the most opportune locality in which I shall attempt to unravel the strange discombobulation I refer to as "life".

I have a few friends who have read my poetry and other words I have formulated together in letters and blogs, and the concensus believes given my way of wordings and the devious excursion into living day to day for the past 27 years, I should try and write a book... Huh... Me? Write a book? I couldn't even begin to fathom where I would start with a book?!?

To begin with, I have no idea what I could even write about. My life? A biography? Heaven knows it would never be a book my mother could read! A self-help book? Hell, most days I have issues helping myself... What savage conception could I possibly have that I could bring anyone any understanding about their own life? A novel? Fiction? Hmmmm... Depicting events based on true events? Again, I think I have to explain to my mother the story wasn't speaking straight from my own life... Or I'd have to use my imagination and come up with some other entertaining form of fiction complete with wittiness, scandal, conspiracies and a little romance perhaps? Wait, on second thought, let's ditch the idea of romance involved. Can't seem to get that right in my life, how could I get it right on paper? Or maybe that's what I'm lacking... A vehicle to transport my thoughts and sort out my own perceptions. Nevertheless, my mind is somewhat deficient of a concept to build upon...

I guess what has eventually propelled me to consider this idea is once again my lack of direction in life... Granted, I am finally a little happier and content with my position of being. As you may have read in the post below, events leading me to my current living arrangements were quite disturbing at most, but I have found myself in a place of comfort. Although strange as it may seem, I have two roommates; two of my best friends. One, a younger friend who's life somewhat disturbingly parallel's mine six years ago. And the other, (I hate to use the term, but...) my ex boyfriend whom I have known for ten years and lived with for 7 previously, and I might add, happens to be my best friend in the world... Quite frankly, we all live in relative harmony in a not-so-shabby yet humble abode with little to no serious issues, laughter and friendship. I have numerous things to keep me sane and active; my friends, my guitar, a pool table and foosball table, two very needy dogs, a great kitchen, my computer complete with the internet, tonnes of music and movies, Spanish lessons, and of course, Google Earth... All these things keep me balanced when I am at home, but at work, life is a different story.

I could never complain that I have a tough job, or even close to a hectic one, but herein lies the concern... Severe boredom and complete lack of intelligence or challenge. Thus, time for a change. But, throughout my life I've had no idea of what direction I should strive to go, and none of my interests I am good enough at to pay the rent and feed myself or even my dog... And since I am happily single, and have never been the kind of woman who would ever be happy supplementing my lifestyle with a "rich guy", I need to do something that pays me sufficiently. Also being the type of person who refuses to do a "job" that is unfulfilling and that I dread going to each morning I'd really like to occupy this need with a rewarding and enjoyable occupation. Yet again, any befitting profession still escapes me, bringing me back to writing.

So, evidently I am compelled to search for a topic that I could even attempt to cover in a couple hundred pages... Any thoughts? Hehe...

My Vent

One word. Truth.

"And the truth shall set you free."

Sadly enough, the truth may only set those free who have prepared themselves for the truth and anything resembling the truth.

Trust? Well, in regards to trust, I think all people learn a huge lesson in life when it comes to trust at some point or another. Some believe that trust is something that is should be there until proven otherwise. Others believe that trust must be earned. For most of my life I've struggled with this, usually giving people the benefit of the doubt and allowing myself to trust based on my instincts. As of now, I trust only a minute, select few. And even they have weakened such trust on occasion. To any who read this and have a small understanding of my loathing; either you are on my scorn list, you're on the outside looking in, or you were victims to one of the most repulsive acts I've ever observed... This offense has taught me a great deal about myself, about life and how I never wish to live it, and about friendship.

Friendship is something immensely precious. No more have I ever understood that than in the past weeks.

I managed to survive the war with mere shrapnel embedded. I removed the projectile, cleansed my wounds, and discarded the munition without another thought, never to engage in any conflict or tread upon the soils of the battle ever again. Only, as I retreated from the hostility I received word that one of my closest and dearest friends had been wounded, very possibly mortally and was in dire need of care. Upon surveying this grisly scene, I was engrossed in a civil battle which appeared to become more appalling the deeper I got involved. Once the wounds were bandaged and the other innocents taken care of I dealt with the moral dilemma of vengeance. Pure and sweet revenge for all the pain and suffering caused upon these chaste victims. Then my conscience kicked in and the reasoning in my head confirmed it would only bring more affliction upon them if I were to play martyr in a war that was not mine. Backing away from the bloodshed, picking up hopes and dreams to return to those harmed, I attempted to make sense of this onslaught.

Being involved I was deemed a scapegoat for the "rumors" advertised to those who may be affected. So be it. It was not my place to divulge any details to anyone aside from those who would be involved in the attempted reconstruction of broken hearts. Though I refuse to exemplify the implications of such a scandal, I do not condone infidelity and the destruction of families. I will NOT downplay the pain and heartache felt by those who were damaged by this disrespectful offense and I will never forgive those who afflicted them. My forgiveness is irrelevant and to say that they shouldn't be made to "look bad" in light of this dishonor is a disgrace to the people sheltering them as well as to their families. I, however, have washed my hands of all involvement and will never look back to see what should be the faces of shame. I can only hope for remorse and amnesty on the guilty parties, and for closure and deliverance from anguish for those who will be forever changed...

It's amazing how much this experience has opened my eyes to the frailness of the human heart and the horrid consequences that follow any selfless act.

Trust and honesty.

Amazing how the two fall hand in hand and how they can be annihilated in a heartbeat.

Please, if you've read and comprehended this, remember how precious life, love and family are. And how delicate the life of those you care about really is. The most painful of tears fall from the most innocent of souls.