Terminal Despondency
"Working to establish a more comfortable style of survival has grown to feel complete in and of itself as a reason to live, and we've gradually, methodically forgotten our original question... That we still don't know what we're surviving for."
When I finished the Celestine Prophecy for the second time since high school I felt invariably preoccupied with my objective in life. Granted, I'm sure everyone goes through such phases where you feel there must be an ultimate reason for being here. For existing in the circumstances we place ourselves in. But lately I've found that I am utterly absorbed in the search for some ulterior motive within my state of being. Living just to get through life. My mother made a comment not so long ago about her life feeling so mundane. She summed up my life in one word. Mundane; normal, ordinary, everyday, tedious, monotonous, dull. Mundane. What a rude word when you ponder it. Yet, I'm beginning to recognize my life of mediocrity and I can't say I'm overly inspired by such a comprehension. Fortunately, I have come to this understanding at a young age. So the next step would evidently be to determine the favorable path I should choose.
As it is obvious by the dates of these compositions, that I have not posted a single thing since the initial attempt. Now, one might view this as mere laziness, or perhaps a life of chaos in which there is no time to express new thoughts. In truth, I have actually written since then, but have not posted due to the fact that I cannot seem to be positive. Considering I began this with the intent to be positive and confident, I don't think anything that I've journalized in the past few weeks could be deemed worthy of such relation. Not to be misunderstood, however, as I'm not a purely cynical or depressed being, but every time I venture a step forward in life, I seem to end up two steps behind.
I am in dire need of discovering some form of direction to follow through my life. By all means, I am not hard done by. I have a family who loves me and are willing to help me through tough times. I have friends who ceaselessly keep an everlasting smile upon my face and consistently remedy any pain life causes me. I have a beautiful smile, a relatively sound mind, and my health to carry me through. I have countless entities in life in which to be thankful for, and yet here I am, feeling alone and truly sad. It has been a while since I felt this way, but events leading up to such despondency inevitably continue to pour down upon me. One bad morning led to a worse afternoon, and culminated with a terrible evening. To make things worse, my job and my temporary place in life is threatened by situations completely beyond my control. There are few things I hate more than lack of control of circumstances in my life. I have no permanent residence at this time, no job security thus no financial stability and my heart belongs to someone who regards it with utter neglect. My income is dependent on the weather which is non-cooperative, and my love life is subject to past occurrences which were detrimental to any future outlook on his part, though sadly enough, directly inhibiting to my efforts. As for income, I am not overly concerned as I am an intellectual woman and will find some form of employment, but the love part has brought me much disconcertment. I have concluded within myself that I am evidently a true sucker for punishment. The sensible resolution would be to forget about what wrenches my heart and heal it by engrossing myself within a new objective, but this is immensely easier said than done and I have learned that I cannot deny what my heart feels. You wouldn't believe how much that pisses me off.
So here I stand. I have obviously abolished my original plan for the plus side and once again returned to the negative. Funny thing is, I was getting along quite well considering, and now I feel like I am farther back down than where I began. I don't suppose it is a great week to quit smoking anymore.
Nonetheless, I should endeavor to accomplish something productive rather than sit here lamenting my insignificant woes. For anyone who has read this, I must apologize. My life isn't even remotely close to the unfortunate lives some people are forced to live. Just lately, I have no one I can talk to and I think that realization is more disheartening than any.
When I finished the Celestine Prophecy for the second time since high school I felt invariably preoccupied with my objective in life. Granted, I'm sure everyone goes through such phases where you feel there must be an ultimate reason for being here. For existing in the circumstances we place ourselves in. But lately I've found that I am utterly absorbed in the search for some ulterior motive within my state of being. Living just to get through life. My mother made a comment not so long ago about her life feeling so mundane. She summed up my life in one word. Mundane; normal, ordinary, everyday, tedious, monotonous, dull. Mundane. What a rude word when you ponder it. Yet, I'm beginning to recognize my life of mediocrity and I can't say I'm overly inspired by such a comprehension. Fortunately, I have come to this understanding at a young age. So the next step would evidently be to determine the favorable path I should choose.
As it is obvious by the dates of these compositions, that I have not posted a single thing since the initial attempt. Now, one might view this as mere laziness, or perhaps a life of chaos in which there is no time to express new thoughts. In truth, I have actually written since then, but have not posted due to the fact that I cannot seem to be positive. Considering I began this with the intent to be positive and confident, I don't think anything that I've journalized in the past few weeks could be deemed worthy of such relation. Not to be misunderstood, however, as I'm not a purely cynical or depressed being, but every time I venture a step forward in life, I seem to end up two steps behind.
I am in dire need of discovering some form of direction to follow through my life. By all means, I am not hard done by. I have a family who loves me and are willing to help me through tough times. I have friends who ceaselessly keep an everlasting smile upon my face and consistently remedy any pain life causes me. I have a beautiful smile, a relatively sound mind, and my health to carry me through. I have countless entities in life in which to be thankful for, and yet here I am, feeling alone and truly sad. It has been a while since I felt this way, but events leading up to such despondency inevitably continue to pour down upon me. One bad morning led to a worse afternoon, and culminated with a terrible evening. To make things worse, my job and my temporary place in life is threatened by situations completely beyond my control. There are few things I hate more than lack of control of circumstances in my life. I have no permanent residence at this time, no job security thus no financial stability and my heart belongs to someone who regards it with utter neglect. My income is dependent on the weather which is non-cooperative, and my love life is subject to past occurrences which were detrimental to any future outlook on his part, though sadly enough, directly inhibiting to my efforts. As for income, I am not overly concerned as I am an intellectual woman and will find some form of employment, but the love part has brought me much disconcertment. I have concluded within myself that I am evidently a true sucker for punishment. The sensible resolution would be to forget about what wrenches my heart and heal it by engrossing myself within a new objective, but this is immensely easier said than done and I have learned that I cannot deny what my heart feels. You wouldn't believe how much that pisses me off.
So here I stand. I have obviously abolished my original plan for the plus side and once again returned to the negative. Funny thing is, I was getting along quite well considering, and now I feel like I am farther back down than where I began. I don't suppose it is a great week to quit smoking anymore.
Nonetheless, I should endeavor to accomplish something productive rather than sit here lamenting my insignificant woes. For anyone who has read this, I must apologize. My life isn't even remotely close to the unfortunate lives some people are forced to live. Just lately, I have no one I can talk to and I think that realization is more disheartening than any.
posted by Earth Bound Misfit at 4:38 PM
2 Comments:
Keep walking lightly....
Sadness? I was unaware of such capacity within you. Appreciate the thought, but I am saddened by the lack of effort. Then, I should know this by now. No need for any "theatrical penance". You should know me by now, too. Thus, I shall exit before I become even moderately irritating.
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